I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
