Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
