She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
