i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
