She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
