I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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