ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
