I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
