Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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