I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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