is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize