i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
