I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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