i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
