So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm like, not good at living.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
