how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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