I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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