i can't believe i had my finger in that
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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