Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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