My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize