Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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