Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
