I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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