don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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