last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
