the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
