On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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