Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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