one two three fourrrrnication!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
