whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
