he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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