I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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