did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
