seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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