got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
