Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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