i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
