Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
