My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
