DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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