no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
