if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
