I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
