If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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