I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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