Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
FUCK WHALES
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
