Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
