I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
