It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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