i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
