They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
