wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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