The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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