Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
