my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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