Acid is not a monday night drug
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
