Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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