fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
