GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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