just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
