Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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